I am one of those people who find themselves in random situations on pretty much a daily basis. It could be because I'm the type of person that tends to let the winds of life blow me in one direction or another. Or it could be that I'm just too willing and available to go on what I term "grand adventures" which, especially where my dating life is concerned, quickly turn into steamy piles of shit. I don't know how I do it...I guess it's a gift? So I find myself caught up in awkward situations all the time and a majority of my dates tend to head in this direction. I guess this speaks more to my apparent inability to pick a decent date (although I prefer to go with the idea that it's not my inability but rather a lack of availability of decent men.)
Now, I want to assure you that not every dating adventure has led to disaster.
I have dated some fantastic guys just as much as I've dated some real duds. Some dates are mentionable only because they were so shockingly, and pathetically bad! And for all the awkward dates, I've also had many successful ones. But let's be honest- who wants to read about someones fantastic love life? It's way more fun to read about someones crappy experiences...either because you identify with it or, more to the point, you can ignore your own pitiful love life for a while and pretend that it's full of sugar plum fairies and chocolate covered rainbows. And awkward situations can be highly entertaining...especially when they are not happening to you!
So in the spirit of awkward situations, and doing your best to evade them, I present my personal top five tips to avoid an embarrassing date.
1) Don't date losers (this unfortunately is not as easy as it seems because losers can be disguised in almost any guise, including but not limited to; hotties, artists, doctors, musicians, computer analysts, investment bankers... )
2) Learn to speak with a heavy accent (that way when your date acts like the douche bag he is to the waiter, you can feign the ability to comprehend or speak English.)
3) If you suspect that you are on a date with a real dud go somewhere where nobody knows your name. Extra points if you are smart enough to not give out your real name to your date either.
4)Take a book, or an i pod and tune him/her out. (Truthfully, this is more than likely to incite an awkward moment than prevent one, but then at least you have something to see you through the awkwardness.)
5)Stay at home. This is a surefire cure to any awkward situation. If you avoid it, you won't experience it. Not dating at all has the added benefit that you won't have to deal with any dickheads at all.
What are your tips to reduce the awkward factor in your dating life? Feel free to post them here and maybe next time I'm out on a date I can incorporate them into my "Managing Trauma on a First Date Kit." Which reminds me...I'm all out of cyanide capsules, extra strength...
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
On (the fine) Line Dating
I'm fairly new to the world of online dating. There is a reason for this. Online dating sites are full of guys (and, let's be fair, girls too) that have about as much social prowess as a muddy boot. The bad rap it has garnered over the years still applies. Online dating is still the bastard child of the world wide web. And before I get blasted for poo-pooing those of you who actually have had success in finding a partner on the internet let me point out that you are few and far between...there are definitely more misses than hits when it comes to dating online.
Still I was open to trying it out. Having recently moved cities (in fact, countries) and working odd hours I thought this would be the way to kick start a social life of some sorts and maybe even be swept off my feet by a rogue romeo! Initially I joined out of a desire to meet new people. But I stayed for the entertainment! (Having a writers sensibilities means anything is potentially great fodder for a story!) The messages I receive on a daily basis confirm my belief that there is a shortage of intelligent men in the world, but a surplus of jackasses. Sometimes disturbing, often weird and usually duller than a 10 watt light bulb, the majority of guys seem totally inept when establishing contact.
I've been asked if I am ticklish, if I consider knee high boots slutty, if I would like to be someone's sister and even if I ever think about how I will die. Seriously, you are asking a woman on the first point of contact if she thinks about her death? It's certainly memorable, but for all the wrong reasons you bozo! And who goes to a dating website and asks someone to be their sister? I have two words for you; Therapy. Now!
Just like in real life, there are challenges in approaching someone online. You don't want to come across as a total vegetable with the standard "hey (insert smiling face or winking face here) how r u?" And if you choose to go the vegetable route at least have the decency to spell out ARE and YOU! It's not like they are difficult to spell! They are two little words and you can't even make the effort to write a total of six letters? It doesn't inspire any confidence in me when I get a message which shows no thought or effort and yet somehow manages to butcher the English language. Your inability to write two little words, or a coherent sentence of any kind, means that you are probably an inarticulate doofus with a bad haircut and actually say LOL out loud.
Then you have the guys who think that by commenting on your sex appeal and explicitly telling you what they want to do to you is going to turn you into a raging nymphomaniac and incite you to meet them at the nearest park for a little "slide the sausage." First of all...fuck off! And secondly...well repeat the first!
The worst offenders are the guys who don't bother reading your profile at all. If you are taking the time to write me (OK, it's not exactly much time when you murder a sentence by deleting half of its letters) then at least glance at more than just my pics you twat! The guys who usually get a response from me (unless I'm in a particularly spiteful mood and want to mess with some guys brain and make them think they have a shot) have actually read my profile and will engage me in a conversation based on what they have read. These guys earn at least a return message for the simple fact that they did their homework.
I could dedicate an entire blog to the first-time hopefuls and full-time losers that have inflicted their sorry asses on my fine self. Instead, this blog will focus on the actual dates I've had with guys who lulled me into a false sense of security long enough to bag a date; And then ballsed it up. So watch this space because the next blog hitting a screen near you soon will be the start of a long and horrifying list of dismal dates. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I loathed every awkward, miserable, "make me want to shoot myself in the head (or them)" moment.
In the meantime I leave you with this little ditty. This is for the guys out there who can't take a hint...
Not in a park, not in the zoo
There's NO WAY I'll go out with you
Not in a car, nor on a train
You bore me to death, you drive me insane
Not in a restaurant or in a bookshop
My answer is NO! Now please will you stop!
Not in a cafe, a bar or the beach
You're not my type, I'm out of your reach
Not at a party not in hell or in heaven
You be there for 6, I'll be there after 11
Not to the movies or a comedy show
I am NOT interested so dude off you go
No! Niente! Na-ah! Nada! No Way!
Now piss off forever but have a nice day.
Still I was open to trying it out. Having recently moved cities (in fact, countries) and working odd hours I thought this would be the way to kick start a social life of some sorts and maybe even be swept off my feet by a rogue romeo! Initially I joined out of a desire to meet new people. But I stayed for the entertainment! (Having a writers sensibilities means anything is potentially great fodder for a story!) The messages I receive on a daily basis confirm my belief that there is a shortage of intelligent men in the world, but a surplus of jackasses. Sometimes disturbing, often weird and usually duller than a 10 watt light bulb, the majority of guys seem totally inept when establishing contact.
I've been asked if I am ticklish, if I consider knee high boots slutty, if I would like to be someone's sister and even if I ever think about how I will die. Seriously, you are asking a woman on the first point of contact if she thinks about her death? It's certainly memorable, but for all the wrong reasons you bozo! And who goes to a dating website and asks someone to be their sister? I have two words for you; Therapy. Now!
Just like in real life, there are challenges in approaching someone online. You don't want to come across as a total vegetable with the standard "hey (insert smiling face or winking face here) how r u?" And if you choose to go the vegetable route at least have the decency to spell out ARE and YOU! It's not like they are difficult to spell! They are two little words and you can't even make the effort to write a total of six letters? It doesn't inspire any confidence in me when I get a message which shows no thought or effort and yet somehow manages to butcher the English language. Your inability to write two little words, or a coherent sentence of any kind, means that you are probably an inarticulate doofus with a bad haircut and actually say LOL out loud.
Then you have the guys who think that by commenting on your sex appeal and explicitly telling you what they want to do to you is going to turn you into a raging nymphomaniac and incite you to meet them at the nearest park for a little "slide the sausage." First of all...fuck off! And secondly...well repeat the first!
The worst offenders are the guys who don't bother reading your profile at all. If you are taking the time to write me (OK, it's not exactly much time when you murder a sentence by deleting half of its letters) then at least glance at more than just my pics you twat! The guys who usually get a response from me (unless I'm in a particularly spiteful mood and want to mess with some guys brain and make them think they have a shot) have actually read my profile and will engage me in a conversation based on what they have read. These guys earn at least a return message for the simple fact that they did their homework.
I could dedicate an entire blog to the first-time hopefuls and full-time losers that have inflicted their sorry asses on my fine self. Instead, this blog will focus on the actual dates I've had with guys who lulled me into a false sense of security long enough to bag a date; And then ballsed it up. So watch this space because the next blog hitting a screen near you soon will be the start of a long and horrifying list of dismal dates. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I loathed every awkward, miserable, "make me want to shoot myself in the head (or them)" moment.
In the meantime I leave you with this little ditty. This is for the guys out there who can't take a hint...
Not in a park, not in the zoo
There's NO WAY I'll go out with you
Not in a car, nor on a train
You bore me to death, you drive me insane
Not in a restaurant or in a bookshop
My answer is NO! Now please will you stop!
Not in a cafe, a bar or the beach
You're not my type, I'm out of your reach
Not at a party not in hell or in heaven
You be there for 6, I'll be there after 11
Not to the movies or a comedy show
I am NOT interested so dude off you go
No! Niente! Na-ah! Nada! No Way!
Now piss off forever but have a nice day.
Equal Opportunity
I'm an equal opportunity kind of dater. I will go on a date with almost anyone out of interest, availability, boredom, or when suffering a mild case of desperation. This has resulted in me coming to the realization that there are more dicks in the world then one could imagine, and I'm not talking about the appendage that dangles between the legs! My problem, small and insignificant in comparison to those of the men I've graced with my presence, is that I am just too damn nice. I've been willing to date practically anyone, which means that if you have a pulse, you'll probably get a date. Now that might not sound like much of a problem until you factor in that I have actually gone out on dates because I felt sorry for the guy, or kept talking to someone because I didn't want to hurt their feelings even when I KNEW that he was not right on any level. Hell, I've even been lectured by a guy, on our first (and ONLY) meeting, on how my life is obviously so pathetic because I am unmarried and childless and in my thirties (and I, gracious gal that I am, let him live to piss off another woman for another day!) As it turns out, he thinks that I should be more like women from a hundred plus years ago; stuck in a loveless marriage, churning out babies like a factory and being happy with my lot in life. To him that was more admirable than my desire to pursue a masters degree (which is just a poor attempt to make up for my failings as a woman as far as he is concerned.) Someone build this guy a time machine please and send him back to the dark ages from whence he obviously hails from! But I digress...My mistake has been in being too much of an equal opportunity dater for the masses (I really need to raise my standards...or maybe just set some!) and that has led me to this wasteland that I call my romantic life.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable in what I'm looking for (especially since I haven't really defined what it is I AM looking for! Actually, I do KNOW what I am looking for, just not who, if that makes any sense at all.) I just want a guy who doesn't suck. At life. This is not huge criteria but apparently it's difficult to attain none the less. Dating should be fun. It shouldn't suck the life out of your very soul. It shouldn't require me using my purse as a sword and shield just cause randy guy #1, 2 or 3 thinks he has a shot; I went on a date with you...ain't that enough? And it sure as hell shouldn't include a visit to McDonald's! I'll admit that some of my dating choices have been less than savvy...but at least I am intelligent enough to learn my lesson the first time. Which is why you (yes YOU, Mickey D's guy) will not be getting a second date.
First dates are freebies but second dates need to be earned. So stop sucking long enough in order to maybe get that second date, and perhaps a multitude more.
And because I am just that kind of gal, I'm going to help you along by sharing my experiences of dating disasters. It's a 'what not to do' if you actually want that coveted second date. And remember, whenever someone says "it's not you, it's me," they are lying! It's so clearly, blatantly, obviously you.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable in what I'm looking for (especially since I haven't really defined what it is I AM looking for! Actually, I do KNOW what I am looking for, just not who, if that makes any sense at all.) I just want a guy who doesn't suck. At life. This is not huge criteria but apparently it's difficult to attain none the less. Dating should be fun. It shouldn't suck the life out of your very soul. It shouldn't require me using my purse as a sword and shield just cause randy guy #1, 2 or 3 thinks he has a shot; I went on a date with you...ain't that enough? And it sure as hell shouldn't include a visit to McDonald's! I'll admit that some of my dating choices have been less than savvy...but at least I am intelligent enough to learn my lesson the first time. Which is why you (yes YOU, Mickey D's guy) will not be getting a second date.
First dates are freebies but second dates need to be earned. So stop sucking long enough in order to maybe get that second date, and perhaps a multitude more.
And because I am just that kind of gal, I'm going to help you along by sharing my experiences of dating disasters. It's a 'what not to do' if you actually want that coveted second date. And remember, whenever someone says "it's not you, it's me," they are lying! It's so clearly, blatantly, obviously you.
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