On (the fine) Line Dating

I'm fairly new to the world of online dating. There is a reason for this. Online dating sites are full of guys (and, let's be fair, girls too) that have about as much social prowess as a muddy boot. The bad rap it has garnered over the years still applies. Online dating is still the bastard child of the world wide web. And before I get blasted for poo-pooing those of you who actually have had success in finding a partner on the internet let me point out that you are few and far between...there are definitely more misses than hits when it comes to dating online.

Still I was open to trying it out. Having recently moved cities (in fact, countries) and working odd hours I thought this would be the way to kick start a social life of some sorts and maybe even be swept off my feet by a rogue romeo! Initially I joined out of a desire to meet new people. But I stayed for the entertainment! (Having a writers sensibilities means anything is potentially great fodder for a story!) The messages I receive on a daily basis confirm my belief that there is a shortage of intelligent men in the world, but a surplus of jackasses. Sometimes disturbing, often weird and usually duller than a 10 watt light bulb, the majority of guys seem totally inept when establishing contact.

I've been asked if I am ticklish, if I consider knee high boots slutty, if I would like to be someone's sister and even if I ever think about how I will die. Seriously, you are asking a woman on the first point of contact if she thinks about her death? It's certainly memorable, but for all the wrong reasons you bozo! And who goes to a dating website and asks someone to be their sister? I have two words for you; Therapy. Now!

Just like in real life, there are challenges in approaching someone online. You don't want to come across as a total vegetable with the standard "hey (insert smiling face or winking face here) how r u?" And if you choose to go the vegetable route at least have the decency to spell out ARE and YOU! It's not like they are difficult to spell! They are two little words and you can't even make the effort to write a total of six letters? It doesn't inspire any confidence in me when I get a message which shows no thought or effort and yet somehow manages to butcher the English language. Your inability to write two little words, or a coherent sentence of any kind, means that you are probably an inarticulate doofus with a bad haircut and actually say LOL out loud.

Then you have the guys who think that by commenting on your sex appeal and explicitly telling you what they want to do to you is going to turn you into a raging nymphomaniac and incite you to meet them at the nearest park for a little "slide the sausage." First of all...fuck off! And secondly...well repeat the first!

The worst offenders are the guys who don't bother reading your profile at all. If you are taking the time to write me (OK, it's not exactly much time when you murder a sentence by deleting half of its letters) then at least glance at more than just my pics you twat! The guys who usually get a response from me (unless I'm in a particularly spiteful mood and want to mess with some guys brain and make them think they have a shot) have actually read my profile and will engage me in a conversation based on what they have read. These guys earn at least a return message for the simple fact that they did their homework.

I could dedicate an entire blog to the first-time hopefuls and full-time losers that have inflicted their sorry asses on my fine self. Instead, this blog will focus on the actual dates I've had with guys who lulled me into a false sense of security long enough to bag a date; And then ballsed it up. So watch this space because the next blog hitting a screen near you soon will be the start of a long and horrifying list of dismal dates. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I loathed every awkward, miserable, "make me want to shoot myself in the head (or them)" moment.

In the meantime I leave you with this little ditty. This is for the guys out there who can't take a hint...

Not in a park, not in the zoo
There's NO WAY I'll go out with you
Not in a car, nor on a train
You bore me to death, you drive me insane
Not in a restaurant or in a bookshop
My answer is NO! Now please will you stop!
Not in a cafe, a bar or the beach
You're not my type, I'm out of your reach
Not at a party not in hell or in heaven
You be there for 6, I'll be there after 11
Not to the movies or a comedy show
I am NOT interested so dude off you go
No! Niente! Na-ah! Nada! No Way!
Now piss off forever but have a nice day.