Some times you meet people in life that remind you why it's not such a bad thing to be alone. Some people actually inspire loneliness, because to be lonely would be infinitely more beneficial than spending time with them. Mr. Good Time (his name choice, not mine) was one of these people. Thankfully, he blew it long before our first date, so I was spared the trauma of being subjected to his idiocy in person. We did have a couple of online conversations and I toyed with the idea of going out on a date with this guy. Then I remembered that I actually had better things to do. Like washing my hair, or brushing the neighbors hairless cat, or hand feeding sharks.
In my opinion, and let's face it that's all we have here ladies and gentlemen, anyone who goes around referring to themselves as "Mr. Good Time" better bloody have the goods to back that statement up. I call myself Miss Blonde- a reference to both my hair color and on the rare occasion, I will admit, my nature. I could call myself "Miss TOO GOOD FOR YOU, DUMB-ASS" but even that would be too subtle for most of these dick weeds to comprehend. So what exactly was Mr. Good Time's idea of a good time? Apparently, scrabble. Now, I like scrabble as much as most people but it doesn't really top the list in terms of "a good time." He did suggest we play for clothing items rather than your standard points system and I guess he thought adding the extra twist of naked scrabble is what constitutes a good time. Naked scrabble? On a first date? On any date? This is the best 'good time' you can come up with? One thinks that it might be time you invested in getting a life, because you are squandering this one away for sure.
Why do guys think that a woman is going to find it sexy if they pull out their ding dong and start stroking it on a first date? You do realize that it's kind of got the "last chicken in the Chinese restaurant store window" look, right? Actually sir, I don't really want to see you play with yourself while I try to make a seven letter word using only b, v and five o's.
Guys, there is a lesson to be learned here. Well there are multiple lessons:
Number one- don't give yourself a nickname that you can't live up to (and know your limitations guys, cause a name like "Mr. King of all Cocks," only sets the scene for definite disappointment.)
Number two- scrabble is a game of intelligence so you'd be better off sticking to something you know. Like burping the alphabet or grilling my steak.
Number three- treat a woman like a lady (yes, even the slutty ones!) It's just good manners and makes you endearing (which honestly, in a world full of dim wits and dick heads is an attribute you can't afford to not have.)
Number four- Keep it in your pants. If I want to see it, I'll let you know.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Warning Signs This Date is Lame
You are in the middle of a date and suddenly the thought hits you "I think this date is lame." But how can you tell? What are the warning signs that you are in the throes of a really pathetic dating event? And more importantly; How the hell do you get yourself out of it? Below are just a few of my warning signs that will let you know if your date is lame.
1) He suggests a movie at his place and puts on his birthing video
2) He takes you to a glockenspiel concert
3) You go to a karaoke bar and then he proceeds to sing only 80's rock love songs while trying to force you to stay on stage with him so that he can look you lovingly in the eyes.
4) He disses his ex-girlfriends (by the way: this a general no no that applies to both males and females.)
5) He can't string together a coherent sentence. Or he uses the words 'dogg,' 'sup' (or any other generic term that he thinks makes him look cool and hip when in actuality make him lose IQ points with every utterance.)
6) He barely looks at you and hardly makes any conversation resulting in long moments of awkward silence and uncomfortable giggles.
7) He brings along his mother (or any member of his family)
8) He doesn't laugh at any of your jokes (or alternatively, he laughs at everything both you and he say. But especially himself because he considers himself to be some sort of joke genius, only he's not.)
9) He asks you a question and then five minutes later asks you the same question again (this is only acceptable for a goldfish.)
10) Watching paint dry is ten times more fascinating than anything this guy says or does. In fact, you are imagining that the wall behind him is covered in wet paint and are now pretending to watch it dry with a fixed look of fascination on your face that he mistakenly believes is directed at him.
So now we have identified some of the common signs you are on a lame date. The next step is to maneuver your way out of it. This may seem complicated at first, but it's really a very simple technique guaranteed to net results. I call it the "Grab and Bail" and all it requires is your belongings and your legs. If you are already standing, you're halfway there. In the seated position, it does require a little more effort, but once you are on your feet you are able to proceed with the technique.
Step one: grab your belongings.
Step two: move your left foot out in front of you (or your right if you prefer), Follow this up with the other leg. Repeat step two (It's commonly known as walking.) If you follow step two in the right direction, you can quickly find yourself out the door and hopefully away from the lame date. Step two should be repeated until enough distance has been put between you and your date.
Step three: get on with the rest of your life.
And there you have it. Three simple steps to end the agony of a lame date. You can choose to add commentary between step one and two if you feel the need to explain why this date must end, although that's not always a requirement.
1) He suggests a movie at his place and puts on his birthing video
2) He takes you to a glockenspiel concert
3) You go to a karaoke bar and then he proceeds to sing only 80's rock love songs while trying to force you to stay on stage with him so that he can look you lovingly in the eyes.
4) He disses his ex-girlfriends (by the way: this a general no no that applies to both males and females.)
5) He can't string together a coherent sentence. Or he uses the words 'dogg,' 'sup' (or any other generic term that he thinks makes him look cool and hip when in actuality make him lose IQ points with every utterance.)
6) He barely looks at you and hardly makes any conversation resulting in long moments of awkward silence and uncomfortable giggles.
7) He brings along his mother (or any member of his family)
8) He doesn't laugh at any of your jokes (or alternatively, he laughs at everything both you and he say. But especially himself because he considers himself to be some sort of joke genius, only he's not.)
9) He asks you a question and then five minutes later asks you the same question again (this is only acceptable for a goldfish.)
10) Watching paint dry is ten times more fascinating than anything this guy says or does. In fact, you are imagining that the wall behind him is covered in wet paint and are now pretending to watch it dry with a fixed look of fascination on your face that he mistakenly believes is directed at him.
So now we have identified some of the common signs you are on a lame date. The next step is to maneuver your way out of it. This may seem complicated at first, but it's really a very simple technique guaranteed to net results. I call it the "Grab and Bail" and all it requires is your belongings and your legs. If you are already standing, you're halfway there. In the seated position, it does require a little more effort, but once you are on your feet you are able to proceed with the technique.
Step one: grab your belongings.
Step two: move your left foot out in front of you (or your right if you prefer), Follow this up with the other leg. Repeat step two (It's commonly known as walking.) If you follow step two in the right direction, you can quickly find yourself out the door and hopefully away from the lame date. Step two should be repeated until enough distance has been put between you and your date.
Step three: get on with the rest of your life.
And there you have it. Three simple steps to end the agony of a lame date. You can choose to add commentary between step one and two if you feel the need to explain why this date must end, although that's not always a requirement.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Mickey D's Guy
'Mickey D' was one of those guys that fall into the "so sad and lame that I'd have more fun poking my eye out with a blunt object" category. He seemed nice enough online. Oh who am I kidding! He seemed mundane and I suspected that I'd have a more in depth conversation with a brick than with him, but I was bored and my previously booked date had canceled due to illness. "What the hell?" I thought, "I've nothing better to do tonight." What the hell indeed! Lesson number one: Being bored on your own is definitely more preferable than being bored in the company of someone else; especially when that person is responsible for your boredom! At least if you are alone and bored, you have options. But if you are being bored by another person you can feel like you've been held hostage to their idiocy and that's just no fun at all.
Mickey D picked me up at 7pm on a Thursday night. I assumed it would be a dinner date. Lesson number two: Don't assume that just because it's a 7 o'clock date and you mentioned dinner, that it will actually involve food. Eat a little something before hand so that you don't feel tempted to chew off your own arm (partly out of hunger and partly as a way to keep boredom at bay.)
I suggested a group of cafes/restaurants near where I lived (ideal if you need to make a quick escape) but parking was proving problematic so he suggested an alternative. I agreed because it wasn't that much further away and still on a bus route (again thinking of an escape route if the tedium became too much.) He drove towards the new location. And kept driving. And driving. And driving. Soon, he drove out to the highway and headed south- the opposite direction to my house. I asked him where we were going and he told me not to worry. Now this may seem like an obvious detail, but don't tell the person whom you are basically kidnapping "not to worry." It doesn't actually make them stop worrying. I tried to make light of it, but inside my mind was working overtime. I could feel my body gearing up...trying to ready itself for a decision when the moment presented itself. The old fight or flight response was wide awake and anxiously observing the scene. Which brings me to our next lesson; Lesson number three: Totally obvious this one...Don't agree to ride in cars with strangers! That's how you could end up dead- even in a "safe" country like New Zealand.
Luckily for me, I was not murdered or kidnapped that night. But I was taken out to the airport. Now, it's always been this fantasy of mine to have some handsome, sexy, interesting, amazing guy surprise me by whisking me off to some romantic location. So as we turned towards the airport, even though Mickey D is neither handsome, sexy, or even interesting, I couldn't help but think about my fantasy. "What is he planning?" I thought. Turns out he was planning nothing at all. Which makes this next part all the more depressing (bearing in mind that I had, by this point, checked out of this date mentally and was now dreaming about lying on a sun drenched beach with Orlando Bloom [or your own personal equivalent.])
We arrived at the airport and he drove to...McDonald's. Having McDonald's at the airport does not legitimize it as a restaurant in my eyes. But I needn't have worried that this was where he planned to take me for dinner. As we pulled up he offered me the choice of Mickey D's or gas station coffee. Because I am not a bitch, I did not demand right then and there that he drive me home again. I agreed to go into McDonald's for a coffee. As we ordered our coffees, my date 'realized' that he didn't have his wallet. A check of his car also proved fruitless. So I paid for the drinks. I'm not one of these girls who expect my date to pay everything, but can I just say that if your idea of wooing a woman includes instant anything you should probably look forward to a long life alone with only your hand for comfort.
Lesson number four: (this one is for the guys)Fast food restaurants are not appropriate for a first date - ever! And if you can't even afford to take a girl out for coffee at a McDonald's then you'd better re-evaluate your existence and stake your claim in Loserville.
He was already borderline strike three at this stage but he's lucky I'm a pretty easy going gal and I was trying to take all of it in my stride. So his idea of romance and fine dining greatly differs from my own... I reminded myself that I hadn't actually planned on agreeing to date him anyway and had done so out of boredom (so I was just as much to blame for my predicament as he was.) It was what happened next which K.O'd any chances he might have had. He started to talk about his ex girlfriend in very specific detail and then he started to cry. To be honest, I usually love it when a man shows his vulnerability. Tears can be a huge turn on. But not this time. It was surreal...sitting there in a McDonald's while a guy cried over the loss of his ex girlfriend. I tried to be sensitive about it. "How long ago did this happen?" I asked, thinking it must have been fairly recent. "A year ago" he replied. Then, and this is where it gets really bizarre, he leaned over and planted one right on me! It was a tactical error on his part...who cries about a girl and then tries to kiss another in the same breathe? Oh yeah...boys; stupid, horny, boys! I resisted the urge to slap him in the face and pulled away. "I think it's time to go home now." I said and moved away from him as quickly as possible. He drove me home, all the while trying to tell me how amazing and beautiful and sexy and sweet I am and how he was already falling in love with me. As we pulled up at my house he lunged at me again. I blocked his advance with my handbag. "Goodnight," I said and began to open the door. "When can I see you again?" he asked with such desperation that I almost felt bad. But then I remembered that I was not responsible for his feelings. "Ummm, never," I replied and looked him squarely in the eyes. "Never, ever." I stepped out of the car. "But I love you" he said. "Well I don't love you. I don't even like you. So off you go." I answered (feeling a little guilty for being kind by being so cruel.) "What did I do wrong?" he asked, genuinely perplexed. I didn't bother trying to explain it. It's kind of like when you fight with a person who is stupid. Firstly you have to stoop to their level and then more often than not they beat you just by sheer experience. I wasn't about to waste another moment of my precious life with this moron. Besides I was ravenous.
He still text's me several times a week (this happened about 6 months ago)and despite the fact I don't reply, he seems determined to make me change my mind. If love was won by perseverance alone, he might have earned some points by now. And if I wasn't already put off by the crying, the kissing, the profession of love and the fact I didn't fancy him to begin with, the stalker behavior would certainly be the final death wheeze in this relationship. Oh yeah...there is no relationship! And he's unlikely to have one anytime soon if he thinks that a non dinner dinner date at McDonald's is the way to woo a girl.
Mickey D picked me up at 7pm on a Thursday night. I assumed it would be a dinner date. Lesson number two: Don't assume that just because it's a 7 o'clock date and you mentioned dinner, that it will actually involve food. Eat a little something before hand so that you don't feel tempted to chew off your own arm (partly out of hunger and partly as a way to keep boredom at bay.)
I suggested a group of cafes/restaurants near where I lived (ideal if you need to make a quick escape) but parking was proving problematic so he suggested an alternative. I agreed because it wasn't that much further away and still on a bus route (again thinking of an escape route if the tedium became too much.) He drove towards the new location. And kept driving. And driving. And driving. Soon, he drove out to the highway and headed south- the opposite direction to my house. I asked him where we were going and he told me not to worry. Now this may seem like an obvious detail, but don't tell the person whom you are basically kidnapping "not to worry." It doesn't actually make them stop worrying. I tried to make light of it, but inside my mind was working overtime. I could feel my body gearing up...trying to ready itself for a decision when the moment presented itself. The old fight or flight response was wide awake and anxiously observing the scene. Which brings me to our next lesson; Lesson number three: Totally obvious this one...Don't agree to ride in cars with strangers! That's how you could end up dead- even in a "safe" country like New Zealand.
Luckily for me, I was not murdered or kidnapped that night. But I was taken out to the airport. Now, it's always been this fantasy of mine to have some handsome, sexy, interesting, amazing guy surprise me by whisking me off to some romantic location. So as we turned towards the airport, even though Mickey D is neither handsome, sexy, or even interesting, I couldn't help but think about my fantasy. "What is he planning?" I thought. Turns out he was planning nothing at all. Which makes this next part all the more depressing (bearing in mind that I had, by this point, checked out of this date mentally and was now dreaming about lying on a sun drenched beach with Orlando Bloom [or your own personal equivalent.])
We arrived at the airport and he drove to...McDonald's. Having McDonald's at the airport does not legitimize it as a restaurant in my eyes. But I needn't have worried that this was where he planned to take me for dinner. As we pulled up he offered me the choice of Mickey D's or gas station coffee. Because I am not a bitch, I did not demand right then and there that he drive me home again. I agreed to go into McDonald's for a coffee. As we ordered our coffees, my date 'realized' that he didn't have his wallet. A check of his car also proved fruitless. So I paid for the drinks. I'm not one of these girls who expect my date to pay everything, but can I just say that if your idea of wooing a woman includes instant anything you should probably look forward to a long life alone with only your hand for comfort.
Lesson number four: (this one is for the guys)Fast food restaurants are not appropriate for a first date - ever! And if you can't even afford to take a girl out for coffee at a McDonald's then you'd better re-evaluate your existence and stake your claim in Loserville.
He was already borderline strike three at this stage but he's lucky I'm a pretty easy going gal and I was trying to take all of it in my stride. So his idea of romance and fine dining greatly differs from my own... I reminded myself that I hadn't actually planned on agreeing to date him anyway and had done so out of boredom (so I was just as much to blame for my predicament as he was.) It was what happened next which K.O'd any chances he might have had. He started to talk about his ex girlfriend in very specific detail and then he started to cry. To be honest, I usually love it when a man shows his vulnerability. Tears can be a huge turn on. But not this time. It was surreal...sitting there in a McDonald's while a guy cried over the loss of his ex girlfriend. I tried to be sensitive about it. "How long ago did this happen?" I asked, thinking it must have been fairly recent. "A year ago" he replied. Then, and this is where it gets really bizarre, he leaned over and planted one right on me! It was a tactical error on his part...who cries about a girl and then tries to kiss another in the same breathe? Oh yeah...boys; stupid, horny, boys! I resisted the urge to slap him in the face and pulled away. "I think it's time to go home now." I said and moved away from him as quickly as possible. He drove me home, all the while trying to tell me how amazing and beautiful and sexy and sweet I am and how he was already falling in love with me. As we pulled up at my house he lunged at me again. I blocked his advance with my handbag. "Goodnight," I said and began to open the door. "When can I see you again?" he asked with such desperation that I almost felt bad. But then I remembered that I was not responsible for his feelings. "Ummm, never," I replied and looked him squarely in the eyes. "Never, ever." I stepped out of the car. "But I love you" he said. "Well I don't love you. I don't even like you. So off you go." I answered (feeling a little guilty for being kind by being so cruel.) "What did I do wrong?" he asked, genuinely perplexed. I didn't bother trying to explain it. It's kind of like when you fight with a person who is stupid. Firstly you have to stoop to their level and then more often than not they beat you just by sheer experience. I wasn't about to waste another moment of my precious life with this moron. Besides I was ravenous.
He still text's me several times a week (this happened about 6 months ago)and despite the fact I don't reply, he seems determined to make me change my mind. If love was won by perseverance alone, he might have earned some points by now. And if I wasn't already put off by the crying, the kissing, the profession of love and the fact I didn't fancy him to begin with, the stalker behavior would certainly be the final death wheeze in this relationship. Oh yeah...there is no relationship! And he's unlikely to have one anytime soon if he thinks that a non dinner dinner date at McDonald's is the way to woo a girl.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Mr Superior
I recently went on a date with this guy who turned out to be riddled with an all too common disease; Douchebaginess. And boy did he have a serious case! Coupled with an over inflated ego, he was one arrogant prick! I should have seen where this was heading the second he opened his mouth when I arrived at the restaurant. "You're shorter than I thought" he said. Now when people comment about my height I usually have the standard volley of answers to slam back into their face. "My legs reach all the way to the ground same as yours," or "Good things come in small packages (except for penises.)" On a side note I'd like to point out that I am 5'3". Statistics show that I am within the bounds of the average woman's height...but I digress. "My other pair are in the shop" I replied. He didn't laugh. I wasn't expecting a guffaw or snort, but a small chuckle or wry smile wouldn't have gone amiss. "This dude has no sense of humor" I thought to myself "This could be painful." I had no idea at that stage just how painful.
The idea of a date is to make the other person feel good about being there with you. It's not to give them a blow by blow account of what you perceive to be their inadequacies and unchangeables. This guy never got the memo. During the next half hour 'Mr. Superior' nit-picked me to death. "Heels are bad for your back." And you would know this from personal experience? "Your eyes are too blue." Weirdly, this is not the first time I've been told that. My eyes are TOO blue? As opposed to what? "You're short." Again with the height? Seriously, it wasn't worth mentioning the first time. I guess I could have offered to go and get me a team of horses and stretch me out, old school style...but I personally prefer to have all my body parts together.
The waiter came to take our order...Mr. Superior ordered for me. Now this might have been a romantic gesture but considering this guy was about as charming and romantic as a burnt stick, it wasn't. He ordered seafood. I tried to explain to him that I'm allergic to seafood. "Don't worry," he said "You'll love this. It's really good." "Actually, I won't love it because I'll be dead." I told him and added to my own streaming thoughts "Which would be the highlight of this date at this point." "Don't be a drama queen." He replied. "I'm not. I just can't eat any seafood. I have allergies." "Can't you just take a pill or something?" Wow, if only life were that simple! We could be popping pills for everything...I wonder if I should invent one to cure my height deficiency? But then I'd feel compelled to invent a pill to make him stop being such an ass. Now that would be worth some money wouldn't it!
I ordered a dish that would not murder me and marveled at his inability to grasp the concept of allergies. He went on and on about how I should be eating seafood because it's so good for you and it's great brain food...blah blah blah. If this guy is the advertisement for seafood increasing intelligence, then I'm happy to hold on to my allergy instead of taking the risk to dumb down.
I'd held my tongue for the most part so far. He had criticized my height, my eyes, my outfit, my job and my choice to live beyond this date. But then he took it too far. He suggested that I wasn't at his level. I actually laughed. "Oh buddy! You are so right about that! I am so far above you that the sun blots out your face!" I giggled to myself. And then I did what any normal, self-respecting person would (or should) do; I got up and walked away.
He yelled at me from the table "Go then. I've had hotter girls than you anyway." I could have ignored him. But my tongue finally took over. It wasn't sitting back and taking any more of his shit. I turned and walked a few steps toward him and stopped. I was aware that a number of the patrons were watching. Some were covertly "eating" while others blatantly stared. I didn't even care. "Probably the only way you've ever gotten laid is by using roofies and lacing some poor unsuspecting girls drinks or seafood salad with that shit." I turned to walk out again, but was overcome by a further desire to finish my train of thought. "Oh, and your big ego is clearly over compensating for your pea size brain and pin head prick." Then I walked out.
I got myself some Indian food and went home and watched a movie. And deleted him from my contacts list. Best date ever!
The idea of a date is to make the other person feel good about being there with you. It's not to give them a blow by blow account of what you perceive to be their inadequacies and unchangeables. This guy never got the memo. During the next half hour 'Mr. Superior' nit-picked me to death. "Heels are bad for your back." And you would know this from personal experience? "Your eyes are too blue." Weirdly, this is not the first time I've been told that. My eyes are TOO blue? As opposed to what? "You're short." Again with the height? Seriously, it wasn't worth mentioning the first time. I guess I could have offered to go and get me a team of horses and stretch me out, old school style...but I personally prefer to have all my body parts together.
The waiter came to take our order...Mr. Superior ordered for me. Now this might have been a romantic gesture but considering this guy was about as charming and romantic as a burnt stick, it wasn't. He ordered seafood. I tried to explain to him that I'm allergic to seafood. "Don't worry," he said "You'll love this. It's really good." "Actually, I won't love it because I'll be dead." I told him and added to my own streaming thoughts "Which would be the highlight of this date at this point." "Don't be a drama queen." He replied. "I'm not. I just can't eat any seafood. I have allergies." "Can't you just take a pill or something?" Wow, if only life were that simple! We could be popping pills for everything...I wonder if I should invent one to cure my height deficiency? But then I'd feel compelled to invent a pill to make him stop being such an ass. Now that would be worth some money wouldn't it!
I ordered a dish that would not murder me and marveled at his inability to grasp the concept of allergies. He went on and on about how I should be eating seafood because it's so good for you and it's great brain food...blah blah blah. If this guy is the advertisement for seafood increasing intelligence, then I'm happy to hold on to my allergy instead of taking the risk to dumb down.
I'd held my tongue for the most part so far. He had criticized my height, my eyes, my outfit, my job and my choice to live beyond this date. But then he took it too far. He suggested that I wasn't at his level. I actually laughed. "Oh buddy! You are so right about that! I am so far above you that the sun blots out your face!" I giggled to myself. And then I did what any normal, self-respecting person would (or should) do; I got up and walked away.
He yelled at me from the table "Go then. I've had hotter girls than you anyway." I could have ignored him. But my tongue finally took over. It wasn't sitting back and taking any more of his shit. I turned and walked a few steps toward him and stopped. I was aware that a number of the patrons were watching. Some were covertly "eating" while others blatantly stared. I didn't even care. "Probably the only way you've ever gotten laid is by using roofies and lacing some poor unsuspecting girls drinks or seafood salad with that shit." I turned to walk out again, but was overcome by a further desire to finish my train of thought. "Oh, and your big ego is clearly over compensating for your pea size brain and pin head prick." Then I walked out.
I got myself some Indian food and went home and watched a movie. And deleted him from my contacts list. Best date ever!
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Awkward
I am one of those people who find themselves in random situations on pretty much a daily basis. It could be because I'm the type of person that tends to let the winds of life blow me in one direction or another. Or it could be that I'm just too willing and available to go on what I term "grand adventures" which, especially where my dating life is concerned, quickly turn into steamy piles of shit. I don't know how I do it...I guess it's a gift? So I find myself caught up in awkward situations all the time and a majority of my dates tend to head in this direction. I guess this speaks more to my apparent inability to pick a decent date (although I prefer to go with the idea that it's not my inability but rather a lack of availability of decent men.)
Now, I want to assure you that not every dating adventure has led to disaster.
I have dated some fantastic guys just as much as I've dated some real duds. Some dates are mentionable only because they were so shockingly, and pathetically bad! And for all the awkward dates, I've also had many successful ones. But let's be honest- who wants to read about someones fantastic love life? It's way more fun to read about someones crappy experiences...either because you identify with it or, more to the point, you can ignore your own pitiful love life for a while and pretend that it's full of sugar plum fairies and chocolate covered rainbows. And awkward situations can be highly entertaining...especially when they are not happening to you!
So in the spirit of awkward situations, and doing your best to evade them, I present my personal top five tips to avoid an embarrassing date.
1) Don't date losers (this unfortunately is not as easy as it seems because losers can be disguised in almost any guise, including but not limited to; hotties, artists, doctors, musicians, computer analysts, investment bankers... )
2) Learn to speak with a heavy accent (that way when your date acts like the douche bag he is to the waiter, you can feign the ability to comprehend or speak English.)
3) If you suspect that you are on a date with a real dud go somewhere where nobody knows your name. Extra points if you are smart enough to not give out your real name to your date either.
4)Take a book, or an i pod and tune him/her out. (Truthfully, this is more than likely to incite an awkward moment than prevent one, but then at least you have something to see you through the awkwardness.)
5)Stay at home. This is a surefire cure to any awkward situation. If you avoid it, you won't experience it. Not dating at all has the added benefit that you won't have to deal with any dickheads at all.
What are your tips to reduce the awkward factor in your dating life? Feel free to post them here and maybe next time I'm out on a date I can incorporate them into my "Managing Trauma on a First Date Kit." Which reminds me...I'm all out of cyanide capsules, extra strength...
Now, I want to assure you that not every dating adventure has led to disaster.
I have dated some fantastic guys just as much as I've dated some real duds. Some dates are mentionable only because they were so shockingly, and pathetically bad! And for all the awkward dates, I've also had many successful ones. But let's be honest- who wants to read about someones fantastic love life? It's way more fun to read about someones crappy experiences...either because you identify with it or, more to the point, you can ignore your own pitiful love life for a while and pretend that it's full of sugar plum fairies and chocolate covered rainbows. And awkward situations can be highly entertaining...especially when they are not happening to you!
So in the spirit of awkward situations, and doing your best to evade them, I present my personal top five tips to avoid an embarrassing date.
1) Don't date losers (this unfortunately is not as easy as it seems because losers can be disguised in almost any guise, including but not limited to; hotties, artists, doctors, musicians, computer analysts, investment bankers... )
2) Learn to speak with a heavy accent (that way when your date acts like the douche bag he is to the waiter, you can feign the ability to comprehend or speak English.)
3) If you suspect that you are on a date with a real dud go somewhere where nobody knows your name. Extra points if you are smart enough to not give out your real name to your date either.
4)Take a book, or an i pod and tune him/her out. (Truthfully, this is more than likely to incite an awkward moment than prevent one, but then at least you have something to see you through the awkwardness.)
5)Stay at home. This is a surefire cure to any awkward situation. If you avoid it, you won't experience it. Not dating at all has the added benefit that you won't have to deal with any dickheads at all.
What are your tips to reduce the awkward factor in your dating life? Feel free to post them here and maybe next time I'm out on a date I can incorporate them into my "Managing Trauma on a First Date Kit." Which reminds me...I'm all out of cyanide capsules, extra strength...
Friday, January 28, 2011
On (the fine) Line Dating
I'm fairly new to the world of online dating. There is a reason for this. Online dating sites are full of guys (and, let's be fair, girls too) that have about as much social prowess as a muddy boot. The bad rap it has garnered over the years still applies. Online dating is still the bastard child of the world wide web. And before I get blasted for poo-pooing those of you who actually have had success in finding a partner on the internet let me point out that you are few and far between...there are definitely more misses than hits when it comes to dating online.
Still I was open to trying it out. Having recently moved cities (in fact, countries) and working odd hours I thought this would be the way to kick start a social life of some sorts and maybe even be swept off my feet by a rogue romeo! Initially I joined out of a desire to meet new people. But I stayed for the entertainment! (Having a writers sensibilities means anything is potentially great fodder for a story!) The messages I receive on a daily basis confirm my belief that there is a shortage of intelligent men in the world, but a surplus of jackasses. Sometimes disturbing, often weird and usually duller than a 10 watt light bulb, the majority of guys seem totally inept when establishing contact.
I've been asked if I am ticklish, if I consider knee high boots slutty, if I would like to be someone's sister and even if I ever think about how I will die. Seriously, you are asking a woman on the first point of contact if she thinks about her death? It's certainly memorable, but for all the wrong reasons you bozo! And who goes to a dating website and asks someone to be their sister? I have two words for you; Therapy. Now!
Just like in real life, there are challenges in approaching someone online. You don't want to come across as a total vegetable with the standard "hey (insert smiling face or winking face here) how r u?" And if you choose to go the vegetable route at least have the decency to spell out ARE and YOU! It's not like they are difficult to spell! They are two little words and you can't even make the effort to write a total of six letters? It doesn't inspire any confidence in me when I get a message which shows no thought or effort and yet somehow manages to butcher the English language. Your inability to write two little words, or a coherent sentence of any kind, means that you are probably an inarticulate doofus with a bad haircut and actually say LOL out loud.
Then you have the guys who think that by commenting on your sex appeal and explicitly telling you what they want to do to you is going to turn you into a raging nymphomaniac and incite you to meet them at the nearest park for a little "slide the sausage." First of all...fuck off! And secondly...well repeat the first!
The worst offenders are the guys who don't bother reading your profile at all. If you are taking the time to write me (OK, it's not exactly much time when you murder a sentence by deleting half of its letters) then at least glance at more than just my pics you twat! The guys who usually get a response from me (unless I'm in a particularly spiteful mood and want to mess with some guys brain and make them think they have a shot) have actually read my profile and will engage me in a conversation based on what they have read. These guys earn at least a return message for the simple fact that they did their homework.
I could dedicate an entire blog to the first-time hopefuls and full-time losers that have inflicted their sorry asses on my fine self. Instead, this blog will focus on the actual dates I've had with guys who lulled me into a false sense of security long enough to bag a date; And then ballsed it up. So watch this space because the next blog hitting a screen near you soon will be the start of a long and horrifying list of dismal dates. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I loathed every awkward, miserable, "make me want to shoot myself in the head (or them)" moment.
In the meantime I leave you with this little ditty. This is for the guys out there who can't take a hint...
Not in a park, not in the zoo
There's NO WAY I'll go out with you
Not in a car, nor on a train
You bore me to death, you drive me insane
Not in a restaurant or in a bookshop
My answer is NO! Now please will you stop!
Not in a cafe, a bar or the beach
You're not my type, I'm out of your reach
Not at a party not in hell or in heaven
You be there for 6, I'll be there after 11
Not to the movies or a comedy show
I am NOT interested so dude off you go
No! Niente! Na-ah! Nada! No Way!
Now piss off forever but have a nice day.
Still I was open to trying it out. Having recently moved cities (in fact, countries) and working odd hours I thought this would be the way to kick start a social life of some sorts and maybe even be swept off my feet by a rogue romeo! Initially I joined out of a desire to meet new people. But I stayed for the entertainment! (Having a writers sensibilities means anything is potentially great fodder for a story!) The messages I receive on a daily basis confirm my belief that there is a shortage of intelligent men in the world, but a surplus of jackasses. Sometimes disturbing, often weird and usually duller than a 10 watt light bulb, the majority of guys seem totally inept when establishing contact.
I've been asked if I am ticklish, if I consider knee high boots slutty, if I would like to be someone's sister and even if I ever think about how I will die. Seriously, you are asking a woman on the first point of contact if she thinks about her death? It's certainly memorable, but for all the wrong reasons you bozo! And who goes to a dating website and asks someone to be their sister? I have two words for you; Therapy. Now!
Just like in real life, there are challenges in approaching someone online. You don't want to come across as a total vegetable with the standard "hey (insert smiling face or winking face here) how r u?" And if you choose to go the vegetable route at least have the decency to spell out ARE and YOU! It's not like they are difficult to spell! They are two little words and you can't even make the effort to write a total of six letters? It doesn't inspire any confidence in me when I get a message which shows no thought or effort and yet somehow manages to butcher the English language. Your inability to write two little words, or a coherent sentence of any kind, means that you are probably an inarticulate doofus with a bad haircut and actually say LOL out loud.
Then you have the guys who think that by commenting on your sex appeal and explicitly telling you what they want to do to you is going to turn you into a raging nymphomaniac and incite you to meet them at the nearest park for a little "slide the sausage." First of all...fuck off! And secondly...well repeat the first!
The worst offenders are the guys who don't bother reading your profile at all. If you are taking the time to write me (OK, it's not exactly much time when you murder a sentence by deleting half of its letters) then at least glance at more than just my pics you twat! The guys who usually get a response from me (unless I'm in a particularly spiteful mood and want to mess with some guys brain and make them think they have a shot) have actually read my profile and will engage me in a conversation based on what they have read. These guys earn at least a return message for the simple fact that they did their homework.
I could dedicate an entire blog to the first-time hopefuls and full-time losers that have inflicted their sorry asses on my fine self. Instead, this blog will focus on the actual dates I've had with guys who lulled me into a false sense of security long enough to bag a date; And then ballsed it up. So watch this space because the next blog hitting a screen near you soon will be the start of a long and horrifying list of dismal dates. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I loathed every awkward, miserable, "make me want to shoot myself in the head (or them)" moment.
In the meantime I leave you with this little ditty. This is for the guys out there who can't take a hint...
Not in a park, not in the zoo
There's NO WAY I'll go out with you
Not in a car, nor on a train
You bore me to death, you drive me insane
Not in a restaurant or in a bookshop
My answer is NO! Now please will you stop!
Not in a cafe, a bar or the beach
You're not my type, I'm out of your reach
Not at a party not in hell or in heaven
You be there for 6, I'll be there after 11
Not to the movies or a comedy show
I am NOT interested so dude off you go
No! Niente! Na-ah! Nada! No Way!
Now piss off forever but have a nice day.
Equal Opportunity
I'm an equal opportunity kind of dater. I will go on a date with almost anyone out of interest, availability, boredom, or when suffering a mild case of desperation. This has resulted in me coming to the realization that there are more dicks in the world then one could imagine, and I'm not talking about the appendage that dangles between the legs! My problem, small and insignificant in comparison to those of the men I've graced with my presence, is that I am just too damn nice. I've been willing to date practically anyone, which means that if you have a pulse, you'll probably get a date. Now that might not sound like much of a problem until you factor in that I have actually gone out on dates because I felt sorry for the guy, or kept talking to someone because I didn't want to hurt their feelings even when I KNEW that he was not right on any level. Hell, I've even been lectured by a guy, on our first (and ONLY) meeting, on how my life is obviously so pathetic because I am unmarried and childless and in my thirties (and I, gracious gal that I am, let him live to piss off another woman for another day!) As it turns out, he thinks that I should be more like women from a hundred plus years ago; stuck in a loveless marriage, churning out babies like a factory and being happy with my lot in life. To him that was more admirable than my desire to pursue a masters degree (which is just a poor attempt to make up for my failings as a woman as far as he is concerned.) Someone build this guy a time machine please and send him back to the dark ages from whence he obviously hails from! But I digress...My mistake has been in being too much of an equal opportunity dater for the masses (I really need to raise my standards...or maybe just set some!) and that has led me to this wasteland that I call my romantic life.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable in what I'm looking for (especially since I haven't really defined what it is I AM looking for! Actually, I do KNOW what I am looking for, just not who, if that makes any sense at all.) I just want a guy who doesn't suck. At life. This is not huge criteria but apparently it's difficult to attain none the less. Dating should be fun. It shouldn't suck the life out of your very soul. It shouldn't require me using my purse as a sword and shield just cause randy guy #1, 2 or 3 thinks he has a shot; I went on a date with you...ain't that enough? And it sure as hell shouldn't include a visit to McDonald's! I'll admit that some of my dating choices have been less than savvy...but at least I am intelligent enough to learn my lesson the first time. Which is why you (yes YOU, Mickey D's guy) will not be getting a second date.
First dates are freebies but second dates need to be earned. So stop sucking long enough in order to maybe get that second date, and perhaps a multitude more.
And because I am just that kind of gal, I'm going to help you along by sharing my experiences of dating disasters. It's a 'what not to do' if you actually want that coveted second date. And remember, whenever someone says "it's not you, it's me," they are lying! It's so clearly, blatantly, obviously you.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable in what I'm looking for (especially since I haven't really defined what it is I AM looking for! Actually, I do KNOW what I am looking for, just not who, if that makes any sense at all.) I just want a guy who doesn't suck. At life. This is not huge criteria but apparently it's difficult to attain none the less. Dating should be fun. It shouldn't suck the life out of your very soul. It shouldn't require me using my purse as a sword and shield just cause randy guy #1, 2 or 3 thinks he has a shot; I went on a date with you...ain't that enough? And it sure as hell shouldn't include a visit to McDonald's! I'll admit that some of my dating choices have been less than savvy...but at least I am intelligent enough to learn my lesson the first time. Which is why you (yes YOU, Mickey D's guy) will not be getting a second date.
First dates are freebies but second dates need to be earned. So stop sucking long enough in order to maybe get that second date, and perhaps a multitude more.
And because I am just that kind of gal, I'm going to help you along by sharing my experiences of dating disasters. It's a 'what not to do' if you actually want that coveted second date. And remember, whenever someone says "it's not you, it's me," they are lying! It's so clearly, blatantly, obviously you.
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