Mickey D's Guy

'Mickey D' was one of those guys that fall into the "so sad and lame that I'd have more fun poking my eye out with a blunt object" category. He seemed nice enough online. Oh who am I kidding! He seemed mundane and I suspected that I'd have a more in depth conversation with a brick than with him, but I was bored and my previously booked date had canceled due to illness. "What the hell?" I thought, "I've nothing better to do tonight." What the hell indeed! Lesson number one: Being bored on your own is definitely more preferable than being bored in the company of someone else; especially when that person is responsible for your boredom! At least if you are alone and bored, you have options. But if you are being bored by another person you can feel like you've been held hostage to their idiocy and that's just no fun at all.

Mickey D picked me up at 7pm on a Thursday night. I assumed it would be a dinner date. Lesson number two: Don't assume that just because it's a 7 o'clock date and you mentioned dinner, that it will actually involve food. Eat a little something before hand so that you don't feel tempted to chew off your own arm (partly out of hunger and partly as a way to keep boredom at bay.)

I suggested a group of cafes/restaurants near where I lived (ideal if you need to make a quick escape) but parking was proving problematic so he suggested an alternative. I agreed because it wasn't that much further away and still on a bus route (again thinking of an escape route if the tedium became too much.) He drove towards the new location. And kept driving. And driving. And driving. Soon, he drove out to the highway and headed south- the opposite direction to my house. I asked him where we were going and he told me not to worry. Now this may seem like an obvious detail, but don't tell the person whom you are basically kidnapping "not to worry." It doesn't actually make them stop worrying. I tried to make light of it, but inside my mind was working overtime. I could feel my body gearing up...trying to ready itself for a decision when the moment presented itself. The old fight or flight response was wide awake and anxiously observing the scene. Which brings me to our next lesson; Lesson number three: Totally obvious this one...Don't agree to ride in cars with strangers! That's how you could end up dead- even in a "safe" country like New Zealand.

Luckily for me, I was not murdered or kidnapped that night. But I was taken out to the airport. Now, it's always been this fantasy of mine to have some handsome, sexy, interesting, amazing guy surprise me by whisking me off to some romantic location. So as we turned towards the airport, even though Mickey D is neither handsome, sexy, or even interesting, I couldn't help but think about my fantasy. "What is he planning?" I thought. Turns out he was planning nothing at all. Which makes this next part all the more depressing (bearing in mind that I had, by this point, checked out of this date mentally and was now dreaming about lying on a sun drenched beach with Orlando Bloom [or your own personal equivalent.])

We arrived at the airport and he drove to...McDonald's. Having McDonald's at the airport does not legitimize it as a restaurant in my eyes. But I needn't have worried that this was where he planned to take me for dinner. As we pulled up he offered me the choice of Mickey D's or gas station coffee. Because I am not a bitch, I did not demand right then and there that he drive me home again. I agreed to go into McDonald's for a coffee. As we ordered our coffees, my date 'realized' that he didn't have his wallet. A check of his car also proved fruitless. So I paid for the drinks. I'm not one of these girls who expect my date to pay everything, but can I just say that if your idea of wooing a woman includes instant anything you should probably look forward to a long life alone with only your hand for comfort.
Lesson number four: (this one is for the guys)Fast food restaurants are not appropriate for a first date - ever! And if you can't even afford to take a girl out for coffee at a McDonald's then you'd better re-evaluate your existence and stake your claim in Loserville.

He was already borderline strike three at this stage but he's lucky I'm a pretty easy going gal and I was trying to take all of it in my stride. So his idea of romance and fine dining greatly differs from my own... I reminded myself that I hadn't actually planned on agreeing to date him anyway and had done so out of boredom (so I was just as much to blame for my predicament as he was.) It was what happened next which K.O'd any chances he might have had. He started to talk about his ex girlfriend in very specific detail and then he started to cry. To be honest, I usually love it when a man shows his vulnerability. Tears can be a huge turn on. But not this time. It was surreal...sitting there in a McDonald's while a guy cried over the loss of his ex girlfriend. I tried to be sensitive about it. "How long ago did this happen?" I asked, thinking it must have been fairly recent. "A year ago" he replied. Then, and this is where it gets really bizarre, he leaned over and planted one right on me! It was a tactical error on his part...who cries about a girl and then tries to kiss another in the same breathe? Oh yeah...boys; stupid, horny, boys! I resisted the urge to slap him in the face and pulled away. "I think it's time to go home now." I said and moved away from him as quickly as possible. He drove me home, all the while trying to tell me how amazing and beautiful and sexy and sweet I am and how he was already falling in love with me. As we pulled up at my house he lunged at me again. I blocked his advance with my handbag. "Goodnight," I said and began to open the door. "When can I see you again?" he asked with such desperation that I almost felt bad. But then I remembered that I was not responsible for his feelings. "Ummm, never," I replied and looked him squarely in the eyes. "Never, ever." I stepped out of the car. "But I love you" he said. "Well I don't love you. I don't even like you. So off you go." I answered (feeling a little guilty for being kind by being so cruel.) "What did I do wrong?" he asked, genuinely perplexed. I didn't bother trying to explain it. It's kind of like when you fight with a person who is stupid. Firstly you have to stoop to their level and then more often than not they beat you just by sheer experience. I wasn't about to waste another moment of my precious life with this moron. Besides I was ravenous.

He still text's me several times a week (this happened about 6 months ago)and despite the fact I don't reply, he seems determined to make me change my mind. If love was won by perseverance alone, he might have earned some points by now. And if I wasn't already put off by the crying, the kissing, the profession of love and the fact I didn't fancy him to begin with, the stalker behavior would certainly be the final death wheeze in this relationship. Oh yeah...there is no relationship! And he's unlikely to have one anytime soon if he thinks that a non dinner dinner date at McDonald's is the way to woo a girl.