Mr Superior

I recently went on a date with this guy who turned out to be riddled with an all too common disease; Douchebaginess. And boy did he have a serious case! Coupled with an over inflated ego, he was one arrogant prick! I should have seen where this was heading the second he opened his mouth when I arrived at the restaurant. "You're shorter than I thought" he said. Now when people comment about my height I usually have the standard volley of answers to slam back into their face. "My legs reach all the way to the ground same as yours," or "Good things come in small packages (except for penises.)" On a side note I'd like to point out that I am 5'3". Statistics show that I am within the bounds of the average woman's height...but I digress. "My other pair are in the shop" I replied. He didn't laugh. I wasn't expecting a guffaw or snort, but a small chuckle or wry smile wouldn't have gone amiss. "This dude has no sense of humor" I thought to myself "This could be painful." I had no idea at that stage just how painful.

The idea of a date is to make the other person feel good about being there with you. It's not to give them a blow by blow account of what you perceive to be their inadequacies and unchangeables. This guy never got the memo. During the next half hour 'Mr. Superior' nit-picked me to death. "Heels are bad for your back." And you would know this from personal experience? "Your eyes are too blue." Weirdly, this is not the first time I've been told that. My eyes are TOO blue? As opposed to what? "You're short." Again with the height? Seriously, it wasn't worth mentioning the first time. I guess I could have offered to go and get me a team of horses and stretch me out, old school style...but I personally prefer to have all my body parts together.

The waiter came to take our order...Mr. Superior ordered for me. Now this might have been a romantic gesture but considering this guy was about as charming and romantic as a burnt stick, it wasn't. He ordered seafood. I tried to explain to him that I'm allergic to seafood. "Don't worry," he said "You'll love this. It's really good." "Actually, I won't love it because I'll be dead." I told him and added to my own streaming thoughts "Which would be the highlight of this date at this point." "Don't be a drama queen." He replied. "I'm not. I just can't eat any seafood. I have allergies." "Can't you just take a pill or something?" Wow, if only life were that simple! We could be popping pills for everything...I wonder if I should invent one to cure my height deficiency? But then I'd feel compelled to invent a pill to make him stop being such an ass. Now that would be worth some money wouldn't it!

I ordered a dish that would not murder me and marveled at his inability to grasp the concept of allergies. He went on and on about how I should be eating seafood because it's so good for you and it's great brain food...blah blah blah. If this guy is the advertisement for seafood increasing intelligence, then I'm happy to hold on to my allergy instead of taking the risk to dumb down.

I'd held my tongue for the most part so far. He had criticized my height, my eyes, my outfit, my job and my choice to live beyond this date. But then he took it too far. He suggested that I wasn't at his level. I actually laughed. "Oh buddy! You are so right about that! I am so far above you that the sun blots out your face!" I giggled to myself. And then I did what any normal, self-respecting person would (or should) do; I got up and walked away.

He yelled at me from the table "Go then. I've had hotter girls than you anyway." I could have ignored him. But my tongue finally took over. It wasn't sitting back and taking any more of his shit. I turned and walked a few steps toward him and stopped. I was aware that a number of the patrons were watching. Some were covertly "eating" while others blatantly stared. I didn't even care. "Probably the only way you've ever gotten laid is by using roofies and lacing some poor unsuspecting girls drinks or seafood salad with that shit." I turned to walk out again, but was overcome by a further desire to finish my train of thought. "Oh, and your big ego is clearly over compensating for your pea size brain and pin head prick." Then I walked out.

I got myself some Indian food and went home and watched a movie. And deleted him from my contacts list. Best date ever!