Warning Signs This Date is Lame

You are in the middle of a date and suddenly the thought hits you "I think this date is lame." But how can you tell? What are the warning signs that you are in the throes of a really pathetic dating event? And more importantly; How the hell do you get yourself out of it? Below are just a few of my warning signs that will let you know if your date is lame.

1) He suggests a movie at his place and puts on his birthing video

2) He takes you to a glockenspiel concert

3) You go to a karaoke bar and then he proceeds to sing only 80's rock love songs while trying to force you to stay on stage with him so that he can look you lovingly in the eyes.

4) He disses his ex-girlfriends (by the way: this a general no no that applies to both males and females.)

5) He can't string together a coherent sentence. Or he uses the words 'dogg,' 'sup' (or any other generic term that he thinks makes him look cool and hip when in actuality make him lose IQ points with every utterance.)

6) He barely looks at you and hardly makes any conversation resulting in long moments of awkward silence and uncomfortable giggles.

7) He brings along his mother (or any member of his family)

8) He doesn't laugh at any of your jokes (or alternatively, he laughs at everything both you and he say. But especially himself because he considers himself to be some sort of joke genius, only he's not.)

9) He asks you a question and then five minutes later asks you the same question again (this is only acceptable for a goldfish.)

10) Watching paint dry is ten times more fascinating than anything this guy says or does. In fact, you are imagining that the wall behind him is covered in wet paint and are now pretending to watch it dry with a fixed look of fascination on your face that he mistakenly believes is directed at him.


So now we have identified some of the common signs you are on a lame date. The next step is to maneuver your way out of it. This may seem complicated at first, but it's really a very simple technique guaranteed to net results. I call it the "Grab and Bail" and all it requires is your belongings and your legs. If you are already standing, you're halfway there. In the seated position, it does require a little more effort, but once you are on your feet you are able to proceed with the technique.
Step one: grab your belongings.
Step two: move your left foot out in front of you (or your right if you prefer), Follow this up with the other leg. Repeat step two (It's commonly known as walking.) If you follow step two in the right direction, you can quickly find yourself out the door and hopefully away from the lame date. Step two should be repeated until enough distance has been put between you and your date.
Step three: get on with the rest of your life.

And there you have it. Three simple steps to end the agony of a lame date. You can choose to add commentary between step one and two if you feel the need to explain why this date must end, although that's not always a requirement.