You are in the middle of a date and suddenly the thought hits you "I think this date is lame." But how can you tell? What are the warning signs that you are in the throes of a really pathetic dating event? And more importantly; How the hell do you get yourself out of it? Below are just a few of my warning signs that will let you know if your date is lame.
1) He suggests a movie at his place and puts on his birthing video
2) He takes you to a glockenspiel concert
3) You go to a karaoke bar and then he proceeds to sing only 80's rock love songs while trying to force you to stay on stage with him so that he can look you lovingly in the eyes.
4) He disses his ex-girlfriends (by the way: this a general no no that applies to both males and females.)
5) He can't string together a coherent sentence. Or he uses the words 'dogg,' 'sup' (or any other generic term that he thinks makes him look cool and hip when in actuality make him lose IQ points with every utterance.)
6) He barely looks at you and hardly makes any conversation resulting in long moments of awkward silence and uncomfortable giggles.
7) He brings along his mother (or any member of his family)
8) He doesn't laugh at any of your jokes (or alternatively, he laughs at everything both you and he say. But especially himself because he considers himself to be some sort of joke genius, only he's not.)
9) He asks you a question and then five minutes later asks you the same question again (this is only acceptable for a goldfish.)
10) Watching paint dry is ten times more fascinating than anything this guy says or does. In fact, you are imagining that the wall behind him is covered in wet paint and are now pretending to watch it dry with a fixed look of fascination on your face that he mistakenly believes is directed at him.
So now we have identified some of the common signs you are on a lame date. The next step is to maneuver your way out of it. This may seem complicated at first, but it's really a very simple technique guaranteed to net results. I call it the "Grab and Bail" and all it requires is your belongings and your legs. If you are already standing, you're halfway there. In the seated position, it does require a little more effort, but once you are on your feet you are able to proceed with the technique.
Step one: grab your belongings.
Step two: move your left foot out in front of you (or your right if you prefer), Follow this up with the other leg. Repeat step two (It's commonly known as walking.) If you follow step two in the right direction, you can quickly find yourself out the door and hopefully away from the lame date. Step two should be repeated until enough distance has been put between you and your date.
Step three: get on with the rest of your life.
And there you have it. Three simple steps to end the agony of a lame date. You can choose to add commentary between step one and two if you feel the need to explain why this date must end, although that's not always a requirement.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Mickey D's Guy
'Mickey D' was one of those guys that fall into the "so sad and lame that I'd have more fun poking my eye out with a blunt object" category. He seemed nice enough online. Oh who am I kidding! He seemed mundane and I suspected that I'd have a more in depth conversation with a brick than with him, but I was bored and my previously booked date had canceled due to illness. "What the hell?" I thought, "I've nothing better to do tonight." What the hell indeed! Lesson number one: Being bored on your own is definitely more preferable than being bored in the company of someone else; especially when that person is responsible for your boredom! At least if you are alone and bored, you have options. But if you are being bored by another person you can feel like you've been held hostage to their idiocy and that's just no fun at all.
Mickey D picked me up at 7pm on a Thursday night. I assumed it would be a dinner date. Lesson number two: Don't assume that just because it's a 7 o'clock date and you mentioned dinner, that it will actually involve food. Eat a little something before hand so that you don't feel tempted to chew off your own arm (partly out of hunger and partly as a way to keep boredom at bay.)
I suggested a group of cafes/restaurants near where I lived (ideal if you need to make a quick escape) but parking was proving problematic so he suggested an alternative. I agreed because it wasn't that much further away and still on a bus route (again thinking of an escape route if the tedium became too much.) He drove towards the new location. And kept driving. And driving. And driving. Soon, he drove out to the highway and headed south- the opposite direction to my house. I asked him where we were going and he told me not to worry. Now this may seem like an obvious detail, but don't tell the person whom you are basically kidnapping "not to worry." It doesn't actually make them stop worrying. I tried to make light of it, but inside my mind was working overtime. I could feel my body gearing up...trying to ready itself for a decision when the moment presented itself. The old fight or flight response was wide awake and anxiously observing the scene. Which brings me to our next lesson; Lesson number three: Totally obvious this one...Don't agree to ride in cars with strangers! That's how you could end up dead- even in a "safe" country like New Zealand.
Luckily for me, I was not murdered or kidnapped that night. But I was taken out to the airport. Now, it's always been this fantasy of mine to have some handsome, sexy, interesting, amazing guy surprise me by whisking me off to some romantic location. So as we turned towards the airport, even though Mickey D is neither handsome, sexy, or even interesting, I couldn't help but think about my fantasy. "What is he planning?" I thought. Turns out he was planning nothing at all. Which makes this next part all the more depressing (bearing in mind that I had, by this point, checked out of this date mentally and was now dreaming about lying on a sun drenched beach with Orlando Bloom [or your own personal equivalent.])
We arrived at the airport and he drove to...McDonald's. Having McDonald's at the airport does not legitimize it as a restaurant in my eyes. But I needn't have worried that this was where he planned to take me for dinner. As we pulled up he offered me the choice of Mickey D's or gas station coffee. Because I am not a bitch, I did not demand right then and there that he drive me home again. I agreed to go into McDonald's for a coffee. As we ordered our coffees, my date 'realized' that he didn't have his wallet. A check of his car also proved fruitless. So I paid for the drinks. I'm not one of these girls who expect my date to pay everything, but can I just say that if your idea of wooing a woman includes instant anything you should probably look forward to a long life alone with only your hand for comfort.
Lesson number four: (this one is for the guys)Fast food restaurants are not appropriate for a first date - ever! And if you can't even afford to take a girl out for coffee at a McDonald's then you'd better re-evaluate your existence and stake your claim in Loserville.
He was already borderline strike three at this stage but he's lucky I'm a pretty easy going gal and I was trying to take all of it in my stride. So his idea of romance and fine dining greatly differs from my own... I reminded myself that I hadn't actually planned on agreeing to date him anyway and had done so out of boredom (so I was just as much to blame for my predicament as he was.) It was what happened next which K.O'd any chances he might have had. He started to talk about his ex girlfriend in very specific detail and then he started to cry. To be honest, I usually love it when a man shows his vulnerability. Tears can be a huge turn on. But not this time. It was surreal...sitting there in a McDonald's while a guy cried over the loss of his ex girlfriend. I tried to be sensitive about it. "How long ago did this happen?" I asked, thinking it must have been fairly recent. "A year ago" he replied. Then, and this is where it gets really bizarre, he leaned over and planted one right on me! It was a tactical error on his part...who cries about a girl and then tries to kiss another in the same breathe? Oh yeah...boys; stupid, horny, boys! I resisted the urge to slap him in the face and pulled away. "I think it's time to go home now." I said and moved away from him as quickly as possible. He drove me home, all the while trying to tell me how amazing and beautiful and sexy and sweet I am and how he was already falling in love with me. As we pulled up at my house he lunged at me again. I blocked his advance with my handbag. "Goodnight," I said and began to open the door. "When can I see you again?" he asked with such desperation that I almost felt bad. But then I remembered that I was not responsible for his feelings. "Ummm, never," I replied and looked him squarely in the eyes. "Never, ever." I stepped out of the car. "But I love you" he said. "Well I don't love you. I don't even like you. So off you go." I answered (feeling a little guilty for being kind by being so cruel.) "What did I do wrong?" he asked, genuinely perplexed. I didn't bother trying to explain it. It's kind of like when you fight with a person who is stupid. Firstly you have to stoop to their level and then more often than not they beat you just by sheer experience. I wasn't about to waste another moment of my precious life with this moron. Besides I was ravenous.
He still text's me several times a week (this happened about 6 months ago)and despite the fact I don't reply, he seems determined to make me change my mind. If love was won by perseverance alone, he might have earned some points by now. And if I wasn't already put off by the crying, the kissing, the profession of love and the fact I didn't fancy him to begin with, the stalker behavior would certainly be the final death wheeze in this relationship. Oh yeah...there is no relationship! And he's unlikely to have one anytime soon if he thinks that a non dinner dinner date at McDonald's is the way to woo a girl.
Mickey D picked me up at 7pm on a Thursday night. I assumed it would be a dinner date. Lesson number two: Don't assume that just because it's a 7 o'clock date and you mentioned dinner, that it will actually involve food. Eat a little something before hand so that you don't feel tempted to chew off your own arm (partly out of hunger and partly as a way to keep boredom at bay.)
I suggested a group of cafes/restaurants near where I lived (ideal if you need to make a quick escape) but parking was proving problematic so he suggested an alternative. I agreed because it wasn't that much further away and still on a bus route (again thinking of an escape route if the tedium became too much.) He drove towards the new location. And kept driving. And driving. And driving. Soon, he drove out to the highway and headed south- the opposite direction to my house. I asked him where we were going and he told me not to worry. Now this may seem like an obvious detail, but don't tell the person whom you are basically kidnapping "not to worry." It doesn't actually make them stop worrying. I tried to make light of it, but inside my mind was working overtime. I could feel my body gearing up...trying to ready itself for a decision when the moment presented itself. The old fight or flight response was wide awake and anxiously observing the scene. Which brings me to our next lesson; Lesson number three: Totally obvious this one...Don't agree to ride in cars with strangers! That's how you could end up dead- even in a "safe" country like New Zealand.
Luckily for me, I was not murdered or kidnapped that night. But I was taken out to the airport. Now, it's always been this fantasy of mine to have some handsome, sexy, interesting, amazing guy surprise me by whisking me off to some romantic location. So as we turned towards the airport, even though Mickey D is neither handsome, sexy, or even interesting, I couldn't help but think about my fantasy. "What is he planning?" I thought. Turns out he was planning nothing at all. Which makes this next part all the more depressing (bearing in mind that I had, by this point, checked out of this date mentally and was now dreaming about lying on a sun drenched beach with Orlando Bloom [or your own personal equivalent.])
We arrived at the airport and he drove to...McDonald's. Having McDonald's at the airport does not legitimize it as a restaurant in my eyes. But I needn't have worried that this was where he planned to take me for dinner. As we pulled up he offered me the choice of Mickey D's or gas station coffee. Because I am not a bitch, I did not demand right then and there that he drive me home again. I agreed to go into McDonald's for a coffee. As we ordered our coffees, my date 'realized' that he didn't have his wallet. A check of his car also proved fruitless. So I paid for the drinks. I'm not one of these girls who expect my date to pay everything, but can I just say that if your idea of wooing a woman includes instant anything you should probably look forward to a long life alone with only your hand for comfort.
Lesson number four: (this one is for the guys)Fast food restaurants are not appropriate for a first date - ever! And if you can't even afford to take a girl out for coffee at a McDonald's then you'd better re-evaluate your existence and stake your claim in Loserville.
He was already borderline strike three at this stage but he's lucky I'm a pretty easy going gal and I was trying to take all of it in my stride. So his idea of romance and fine dining greatly differs from my own... I reminded myself that I hadn't actually planned on agreeing to date him anyway and had done so out of boredom (so I was just as much to blame for my predicament as he was.) It was what happened next which K.O'd any chances he might have had. He started to talk about his ex girlfriend in very specific detail and then he started to cry. To be honest, I usually love it when a man shows his vulnerability. Tears can be a huge turn on. But not this time. It was surreal...sitting there in a McDonald's while a guy cried over the loss of his ex girlfriend. I tried to be sensitive about it. "How long ago did this happen?" I asked, thinking it must have been fairly recent. "A year ago" he replied. Then, and this is where it gets really bizarre, he leaned over and planted one right on me! It was a tactical error on his part...who cries about a girl and then tries to kiss another in the same breathe? Oh yeah...boys; stupid, horny, boys! I resisted the urge to slap him in the face and pulled away. "I think it's time to go home now." I said and moved away from him as quickly as possible. He drove me home, all the while trying to tell me how amazing and beautiful and sexy and sweet I am and how he was already falling in love with me. As we pulled up at my house he lunged at me again. I blocked his advance with my handbag. "Goodnight," I said and began to open the door. "When can I see you again?" he asked with such desperation that I almost felt bad. But then I remembered that I was not responsible for his feelings. "Ummm, never," I replied and looked him squarely in the eyes. "Never, ever." I stepped out of the car. "But I love you" he said. "Well I don't love you. I don't even like you. So off you go." I answered (feeling a little guilty for being kind by being so cruel.) "What did I do wrong?" he asked, genuinely perplexed. I didn't bother trying to explain it. It's kind of like when you fight with a person who is stupid. Firstly you have to stoop to their level and then more often than not they beat you just by sheer experience. I wasn't about to waste another moment of my precious life with this moron. Besides I was ravenous.
He still text's me several times a week (this happened about 6 months ago)and despite the fact I don't reply, he seems determined to make me change my mind. If love was won by perseverance alone, he might have earned some points by now. And if I wasn't already put off by the crying, the kissing, the profession of love and the fact I didn't fancy him to begin with, the stalker behavior would certainly be the final death wheeze in this relationship. Oh yeah...there is no relationship! And he's unlikely to have one anytime soon if he thinks that a non dinner dinner date at McDonald's is the way to woo a girl.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Mr Superior
I recently went on a date with this guy who turned out to be riddled with an all too common disease; Douchebaginess. And boy did he have a serious case! Coupled with an over inflated ego, he was one arrogant prick! I should have seen where this was heading the second he opened his mouth when I arrived at the restaurant. "You're shorter than I thought" he said. Now when people comment about my height I usually have the standard volley of answers to slam back into their face. "My legs reach all the way to the ground same as yours," or "Good things come in small packages (except for penises.)" On a side note I'd like to point out that I am 5'3". Statistics show that I am within the bounds of the average woman's height...but I digress. "My other pair are in the shop" I replied. He didn't laugh. I wasn't expecting a guffaw or snort, but a small chuckle or wry smile wouldn't have gone amiss. "This dude has no sense of humor" I thought to myself "This could be painful." I had no idea at that stage just how painful.
The idea of a date is to make the other person feel good about being there with you. It's not to give them a blow by blow account of what you perceive to be their inadequacies and unchangeables. This guy never got the memo. During the next half hour 'Mr. Superior' nit-picked me to death. "Heels are bad for your back." And you would know this from personal experience? "Your eyes are too blue." Weirdly, this is not the first time I've been told that. My eyes are TOO blue? As opposed to what? "You're short." Again with the height? Seriously, it wasn't worth mentioning the first time. I guess I could have offered to go and get me a team of horses and stretch me out, old school style...but I personally prefer to have all my body parts together.
The waiter came to take our order...Mr. Superior ordered for me. Now this might have been a romantic gesture but considering this guy was about as charming and romantic as a burnt stick, it wasn't. He ordered seafood. I tried to explain to him that I'm allergic to seafood. "Don't worry," he said "You'll love this. It's really good." "Actually, I won't love it because I'll be dead." I told him and added to my own streaming thoughts "Which would be the highlight of this date at this point." "Don't be a drama queen." He replied. "I'm not. I just can't eat any seafood. I have allergies." "Can't you just take a pill or something?" Wow, if only life were that simple! We could be popping pills for everything...I wonder if I should invent one to cure my height deficiency? But then I'd feel compelled to invent a pill to make him stop being such an ass. Now that would be worth some money wouldn't it!
I ordered a dish that would not murder me and marveled at his inability to grasp the concept of allergies. He went on and on about how I should be eating seafood because it's so good for you and it's great brain food...blah blah blah. If this guy is the advertisement for seafood increasing intelligence, then I'm happy to hold on to my allergy instead of taking the risk to dumb down.
I'd held my tongue for the most part so far. He had criticized my height, my eyes, my outfit, my job and my choice to live beyond this date. But then he took it too far. He suggested that I wasn't at his level. I actually laughed. "Oh buddy! You are so right about that! I am so far above you that the sun blots out your face!" I giggled to myself. And then I did what any normal, self-respecting person would (or should) do; I got up and walked away.
He yelled at me from the table "Go then. I've had hotter girls than you anyway." I could have ignored him. But my tongue finally took over. It wasn't sitting back and taking any more of his shit. I turned and walked a few steps toward him and stopped. I was aware that a number of the patrons were watching. Some were covertly "eating" while others blatantly stared. I didn't even care. "Probably the only way you've ever gotten laid is by using roofies and lacing some poor unsuspecting girls drinks or seafood salad with that shit." I turned to walk out again, but was overcome by a further desire to finish my train of thought. "Oh, and your big ego is clearly over compensating for your pea size brain and pin head prick." Then I walked out.
I got myself some Indian food and went home and watched a movie. And deleted him from my contacts list. Best date ever!
The idea of a date is to make the other person feel good about being there with you. It's not to give them a blow by blow account of what you perceive to be their inadequacies and unchangeables. This guy never got the memo. During the next half hour 'Mr. Superior' nit-picked me to death. "Heels are bad for your back." And you would know this from personal experience? "Your eyes are too blue." Weirdly, this is not the first time I've been told that. My eyes are TOO blue? As opposed to what? "You're short." Again with the height? Seriously, it wasn't worth mentioning the first time. I guess I could have offered to go and get me a team of horses and stretch me out, old school style...but I personally prefer to have all my body parts together.
The waiter came to take our order...Mr. Superior ordered for me. Now this might have been a romantic gesture but considering this guy was about as charming and romantic as a burnt stick, it wasn't. He ordered seafood. I tried to explain to him that I'm allergic to seafood. "Don't worry," he said "You'll love this. It's really good." "Actually, I won't love it because I'll be dead." I told him and added to my own streaming thoughts "Which would be the highlight of this date at this point." "Don't be a drama queen." He replied. "I'm not. I just can't eat any seafood. I have allergies." "Can't you just take a pill or something?" Wow, if only life were that simple! We could be popping pills for everything...I wonder if I should invent one to cure my height deficiency? But then I'd feel compelled to invent a pill to make him stop being such an ass. Now that would be worth some money wouldn't it!
I ordered a dish that would not murder me and marveled at his inability to grasp the concept of allergies. He went on and on about how I should be eating seafood because it's so good for you and it's great brain food...blah blah blah. If this guy is the advertisement for seafood increasing intelligence, then I'm happy to hold on to my allergy instead of taking the risk to dumb down.
I'd held my tongue for the most part so far. He had criticized my height, my eyes, my outfit, my job and my choice to live beyond this date. But then he took it too far. He suggested that I wasn't at his level. I actually laughed. "Oh buddy! You are so right about that! I am so far above you that the sun blots out your face!" I giggled to myself. And then I did what any normal, self-respecting person would (or should) do; I got up and walked away.
He yelled at me from the table "Go then. I've had hotter girls than you anyway." I could have ignored him. But my tongue finally took over. It wasn't sitting back and taking any more of his shit. I turned and walked a few steps toward him and stopped. I was aware that a number of the patrons were watching. Some were covertly "eating" while others blatantly stared. I didn't even care. "Probably the only way you've ever gotten laid is by using roofies and lacing some poor unsuspecting girls drinks or seafood salad with that shit." I turned to walk out again, but was overcome by a further desire to finish my train of thought. "Oh, and your big ego is clearly over compensating for your pea size brain and pin head prick." Then I walked out.
I got myself some Indian food and went home and watched a movie. And deleted him from my contacts list. Best date ever!
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